Not quite a month after the 3rd horn audition for the LA Phil, I'm finding myself in the grips of what I've been calling a "post-audition fallout". It's a phase that everyone I talk to understands immediately. Oddly, there's not much talk on the subject.
If you've ever "properly" dedicated yourself to an audition, and lost, the you know exactly what I'm going to describe. It's really important that you've lost, though. In fact, if you haven't ever lost an audition, stop reading this and never talk to me again. You are not human, and I loathe thee.
Three months is the longest I've ever intensely dedicated myself to any one audition. Yet, because of the time of year, it flashed by faster than I wanted it to. The whole time I was practicing in between rehearsals (trying to practice bits and pieces of excerpts, unrecognizably so as not to be noticed and categorized as "that guy") and shaping each day around the time I could spend shedding the list. I even played the list down for six different people. Meanwhile there was the regular work I had to do.
Anyway, that happened. And, after three months of living and breathing self-criticism, I went to LA. No dice. "No dice" was the text I must have sent to two dozen people who asked about how it went that day. At least Disney Hall is near Eggslut. Thus began the slow beginning of the month of poorly timed post-audition fallout.
Fortunately for all of us, my schedule doesn't really allow me to let go as much as had in mind. And I do think that the best way to get over these things is to move ahead. So it's good that I'm looking down the barrel of a 2015 that is a fear-laden mixtape of French Horn misery. No guts, no glory right?
I recently read an article that The Guardian had posted about how Olympians deal with failure. It sucked because they just ended up championing failure as a gateway to success. Ok, maybe they're right, but I wasn't in the mood at all.
With that in mind, I will say that I am generally looking forward to playing these days. That's good, right? And it's nice when it's Christmas time in the city, silver bells and all. Ps, if you read this and have any input on how you bounce back from this sort of thing, feel free to let me know. Otherwise I'll just have to let time take its course! Maybe some presents will help...
Happy Holidays